ive been having a difficult time lately. 11 weeks post op today, and not even down a whole 10 pounds. i fluctuate bewtween 270 and 275 on a regular basis, never actually breaking past that 270 marker.
and i frequently "vent" about my frustration on my Facebook status, expressing my emotions in the moment. because i wear them on my shoulder, and carrying those feelings makes me feel worse, so..i express.
lately ive had several people tell me some things that sometimes feels a burden to me, and other times feels as if the burden has been lifted. it just depends on the moment im in when i read it,
yesterday i was in my Facebook account, and tooling around, messing about, playing some games, updating stuff, working on my newest blog , one where i log in my food intake, acting as a "food journal" of sorts.
and i got this message from a connection on facebook. felt it was very well stated.
Corrine Loulie
- Michelle ******. (is another user im connected to on facebook, as well as youtube, she recently had gastric sleeve as well, and has been a riding success with her surgery. and, i feel often like im not "as good" because shes the marker of success im failing at)
I just want to personally say that I wish you wouldn't compare yourself to her. You are an inspiration and a success to me.
You got ME of my back side. I read up on the surgery and I just didn't have the guts or the finance to do it. So now I am trying the old fashion way.
Michelle, I might just be an Aussie who isnt worth listening to. But I really think you are being to hard on yourself.
Hang in their. We are all different. We are made different and respond differently to things. Please. Understand you are great.
I am thankful for having met you and I hope we stay friends and that you know you can email me.Hugs Corrine
Corrines right, i shouldnt compare myself to anyone. but im sitting here with this tool within my body, and all the knowledge to inspire others, and understanding of researching this for 3+ years, and im a failure.or i feel like one anyway. i guess that guaged on weight gain back, which i havnt hit the marker prior to surgery yet, so in some respect im a success, if only for that little bit of loss.
but with all that, in a way i feel self defeated, because im no where near the marker where Michelle is.
my reply back was one where i still showed wisdom, but also pain:
Michelle Manning Williamsoni appreciate your kind words, but i didnt get you to do anything, you did it yourself, and you should honor that. i may have helped but you did/doing the work.
the things i talk about on my video/blog, as well as posts here can be used for dieters as well...your portions would be different, just follow the LOW CARB, LOW FAT, LOW SUGAR thinking, and youll most likely succeed. i lost 30 pounds just cutting carbs back, and swapping meals at different times of the day, eating bigger meals during the morning/afternoon times, and if i was hungry at night, having a healthy salad, and something healthy to drink along side of that.
it takes courage to accomplish anything. to even become motivated to change. thats a step in the right direction. and you should be so proud of yourself for making the changes that will save your life. because its all about being here to live long enough to enjoy what we were given.
im sorry if i sound hard on myself, im very frustrated, and feel very defeated.
by normal standards everything im doing SHOULD increase my weight loss, yet..i cant break 10 pounds and move beyond that number.
others are losing rapidly...while im forced to sit here and watch them succeed, and wonder why im not so fortunate.
it makes no sense to me.
and it makes me hurt inside, because there are more people like you who i have helped (to whatever degree) manage something of a difference and they will pass me and move on, and ill be sitting here waving at them, congratulating them, and crying inside because its not me.
this is a life long battle ive had since i was a small child.been over weight my entire life.
never really bothered me until my own family started to make comments about it.
innocently, but those words have echoed and haunted me the rest of my life.
and i battle that demon every single day.
and the fact that i cant drop this 1st 10 pounds...just brings all that right back to the surface all over again.
and seeing people be more successful than i am, makes me hear phrases of my past...
and i fight that. every moment of every day, i fight that.
if your watching the videos i do, you know im very emotional, those feelings are very real, and i show them to show people im human too. im no super hero, im no greater, im just like them. scared, and worried, and concerned. sometimes, elated, and joyful, and always ALWAYS thankful, even for the trials im forced to bear.
i deal with a ton of different things at any given time and place with any amount of different emotional releases.
just like..anyone else does.
what makes me different, is i express them.
i have my moments, like everyone else does. sometimes i feel awesome, but for the most part, i feel...not even equal to everyone else.
thats the reality.i have a dream, and i have been given the tool to make it a successful dream, a living fantasy, a reality come to life, but im missing a magic key somewhere, and i dont know where to find it..and it makes me feel lost.
im entitled to a few bad days here and there.
ill be over it soon enough, im sure.
thank you again for your kind words.
id like to post your FBemail to a blog, i wont use your name unless you allow me too, but i think what youve said was very nice, and i may need to look back on these words sometime in the future.
and others might like to read your words as well, for comfort, and a sense of support to them.
MICHELLEagain, CORRINE, THANK YOU! your words are wonderful and inspiring, and helped me. i wont you to know they havnt gone unheard. i listen, but also have to apply.
everyday, is still a fight against myself, and the demons from my past.
i wanted to share this with everyone else who might want to be inspired and helped along by Corrines words, or even my own.
im just as human as you all are.
i cry.
i hurt.
i compain.
i agonize.
i worry.
i share in your victoires.
feel beten down by defeat.
muster every ounce within my soul to get back up and try again..
im just like every single one of you.
i struggle to.
and it isnt easy for me.
i thought i was at the top of the mountain when i had this surgery, thought all id do is slide down it, and see success, no one told me there was another mountain waiting beyond the clouds my head was in.
and THIS is my new struggle.
will i succeed? i dunno. i want to. i hope to.
its all dependant on me.
im the ONLY one who can make the difference, no one else has the power to make me or break me, except...me.
one day at a time.
MICHELLE
