STEAK N SHAKE PICS

when these pics were taken i was still trying to figure out how much i could eat, and had no idea about calorie allotment, in all the preperation up to my surgery, discussion about calorie intake had never happened.

i was still VERY highly in tune with the idea that i had to have as much protein as possible.

so at steak n shake they have (or had) a burger that was 2 patties, of chopped beef (very heavy with fat, you can tell) and an egg on the top of it.
i had decided to try my hardest to NOT consume any Carbs since my surgery. so i asked for this to be ...bunless.

and it came that way.
oh, AND bacon, just that much more protein.

i have since been back to my bariatirc facility and been enlightened and told my caloric intake should be between 800- 1000 cals for a day.  pretty sure this bad boy has over half of that allotment. but is it ever good!


i also had the unique chance to have a husband take some pics of me.

ENJOY!
MICHELLE

DOWN 2 POUNDS (From 277 to 275)

should i be excited?

i dunno, cause ive been here several times before in this last 11 weeks since surgery.

but i cant deny it, its exciting, no matter how hard i come slam back down when it comes back on my body...i get thrilled..
THRILLED that its off, even if its for a few hours, or half a day, or a weekend, or whatever.

it makes me happy. seriously.

so, to celebrate, im drinking a protein shake.
hoping it holds my hunger for me, cause i AM getting a bit hungry.

maybe tomorrow ill be 2 pounds lighter! maybe...
cant ever be completely thrilled because my body has played a mind game on me for the past 11 weeks, to the point i dont trust the scale, or what im really seeing...cause somewhere inside me, im afraid it will come creep back.

patterns often repeat.

ive not even really hung over the scale, altho it sits right beside me on the floor at my desk, i have not obsessed over getting on it and looking at the scale to read the change in weight.

and sunday i nearly had a breakdown over the fact the scale had gained 3 pounds over night, with no explanation to me other than MY BODY SUCKS!
so frustrating. and i havnt really blogged about that fact of being frustrated, because theres no point to repeat the SAME thing over and over again, ever single day on here...

but i can say, it has been one of the hardest personal emotional physical struggles ive ever had going on within myself.

a personal battle with..ME!

id LOVE to blog more posts about LOSS!
but i havnt, because as stated, im afraid that the next time on the scale will be a fluctuation UP, and its very disappointing to me to see the scale go UP, instead of down.

well SUCCESS for today...IVE LOST 2 POUNDS!

6 more to go to break this 270 area and get past the 10 pounds lost 2nd week after gastric sleeve surgery.

i CAN say, with some delight, that i have not ever gotten above 280 since surgery...and i dont intend to either.

next week, monday through friday, ill be at a day camp all day from morning till evening out in the elements, for a cub scout pack at my church.
im so hoping the movement, and the weather, and such will help me lose this extra 6 pounds.

a week after that (3rd week of june) i see the surgeon again, and im terrified hes gonna think im cheating, and a slacker...
if hes hard on me i can walk away seriously emotionally hurt by what he says...
depending on my mood, but im already afraid to see him, because i feel like a complete failure at this surgery...
so, if he decided to chide me, ill most likely draw on that scared little girl inside whos been dreaming of trying to make people with authority happy, at the same time remaining true to herself.
not an easy task.

so, anyway...small victory. yay.

MICHELLE

QUOTE- ROBIN SHARMA

We are all here for some special reason. Stop being a prisoner of your past. Become the architect of your future. - Robin Sharma

i follow this to a point. ive broken free fom many many shackles in my life, but i seem to still be bound by my weight.i cant break whatever it is that has me sheltered within this body...

so much effort, so many years of feeling rejected, hurt, injured, and alone and abandond as a result.

and yet, for whatever reason, even tho i hold the key, i cant seem to unlock the lock..

one day..ill master myself ..one day.

MICHELLE

WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

 ive been having a difficult time lately. 11 weeks post op today, and not even down a whole 10 pounds. i fluctuate bewtween 270 and 275 on a regular basis, never actually breaking past that 270 marker.
and i frequently "vent" about my frustration on my Facebook status, expressing my emotions in the moment. because i wear them on my shoulder, and carrying those feelings makes me feel worse, so..i express.


lately ive had several people tell me some things that sometimes feels a burden to me, and other times feels as if the burden has been lifted. it just depends on the moment im in when i read it,


yesterday i was in my Facebook account, and tooling around, messing about, playing some games, updating stuff, working on my newest blog , one where i log in my food intake, acting as a "food journal" of sorts.
and i got this message from a connection on facebook. felt it was very well stated.

Corrine Loulie

• Michelle ******. (is another user im connected to on facebook, as well as youtube, she recently had gastric sleeve as well, and has been a riding success with her surgery. and, i feel often like im not "as good" because shes the marker of success im failing at)
  I just want to personally say that I wish you wouldn't compare yourself to her. You are an inspiration and a success to me.
  You got ME of my back side. I read up on the surgery and I just didn't have the guts or the finance to do it. So now I am trying the old fashion way.
  Michelle, I might just be an Aussie who isnt worth listening to. But I really think you are being to hard on yourself.
  Hang in their. We are all different. We are made different and respond differently to things. Please. Understand you are great.
  I am thankful for having met you and I hope we stay friends and that you know you can email me.

  Hugs Corrine

  
  Corrines right, i shouldnt compare myself to anyone. but im sitting here with this tool within my body, and all the knowledge to inspire others, and understanding of researching this for 3+ years, and im a failure.or i feel like one anyway. i guess that guaged on weight gain back, which i havnt hit the marker prior to surgery yet, so in some respect im a success, if only for that little bit of loss.
  but with all that, in a way i feel self defeated, because im no where near the marker where Michelle is.
  
  my reply back was one where i still showed wisdom, but also pain:
  

  Michelle Manning Williamsoni appreciate your kind words, but i didnt get you to do anything, you did it yourself, and you should honor that. i may have helped but you did/doing the work.
  
  the things i talk about on my video/blog, as well as posts here can be used for dieters as well...your portions would be different, just follow the LOW CARB, LOW FAT, LOW SUGAR thinking, and youll most likely succeed. i lost 30 pounds just cutting carbs back, and swapping meals at different times of the day, eating bigger meals during the morning/afternoon times, and if i was hungry at night, having a healthy salad, and something healthy to drink along side of that.
  
  it takes courage to accomplish anything. to even become motivated to change. thats a step in the right direction. and you should be so proud of yourself for making the changes that will save your life. because its all about being here to live long enough to enjoy what we were given.
  
  im sorry if i sound hard on myself, im very frustrated, and feel very defeated.
  by normal standards everything im doing SHOULD increase my weight loss, yet..i cant break 10 pounds and move beyond that number.
  others are losing rapidly...while im forced to sit here and watch them succeed, and wonder why im not so fortunate.
  it makes no sense to me.
  and it makes me hurt inside, because there are more people like you who i have helped (to whatever degree) manage something of a difference and they will pass me and move on, and ill be sitting here waving at them, congratulating them, and crying inside because its not me.
  
  this is a life long battle ive had since i was a small child.

  been over weight my entire life.
  never really bothered me until my own family started to make comments about it.
  innocently, but those words have echoed and haunted me the rest of my life.
  and i battle that demon every single day.
  and the fact that i cant drop this 1st 10 pounds...just brings all that right back to the surface all over again.
  and seeing people be more successful than i am, makes me hear phrases of my past...
  and i fight that. every moment of every day, i fight that.
  
  if your watching the videos i do, you know im very emotional, those feelings are very real, and i show them to show people im human too. im no super hero, im no greater, im just like them. scared, and worried, and concerned. sometimes, elated, and joyful, and always ALWAYS thankful, even for the trials im forced to bear.
  
  i deal with a ton of different things at any given time and place with any amount of different emotional releases.
  just like..anyone else does.
  
  what makes me different, is i express them.
  
  i have my moments, like everyone else does. sometimes i feel awesome, but for the most part, i feel...not even equal to everyone else.
  thats the reality. 

  i have a dream, and i have been given the tool to make it a successful dream, a living fantasy, a reality come to life, but im missing a magic key somewhere, and i dont know where to find it..and it makes me feel lost.

  
  im entitled to a few bad days here and there.
  ill be over it soon enough, im sure.
  
  thank you again for your kind words.
  
  id like to post your FBemail to a blog, i wont use your name unless you allow me too, but i think what youve said was very nice, and i may need to look back on these words sometime in the future.
  and others might like to read your words as well, for comfort, and a sense of support to them.
  
  
  MICHELLE

  again, CORRINE,  THANK YOU! your words are wonderful and inspiring, and helped me. i wont you to know they havnt gone unheard. i listen, but also have to apply.
  

  everyday, is still a fight against myself, and the demons from my past.
  
  i wanted to share this with everyone else who might want to be inspired and helped along by Corrines words, or even my own.
  im just as human as you all are.
  i cry.
  i hurt.
  i compain.
  i agonize.
  i worry.
  i share in your victoires.
  feel beten down by defeat.
  muster every ounce within my soul to get back up and try again..
  im just like every single one of you.
  i struggle to.
  and it isnt easy for me.
  
  i thought i was at the top of the mountain when i had this surgery, thought all id do is slide down it, and see success, no one told me there was another mountain waiting beyond the clouds my head was in.
  and THIS is my new struggle.
  
  will i succeed? i dunno. i want to. i hope to.
  its all dependant on me.
  im the ONLY one who can make the difference, no one else has the power to make me or break me, except...me.
  
  one day at a time.
  
  
   MICHELLE
   
   

2 MONTH POST OP FULL BODY SHOT PICTURE- MEMORIAL DAY 2011

MEMORIAL DAY FULL BODY SHOT PIC

its hard to tell here, because i still look so large, but i was already about 20 pounds down and my pants were baggy and loose.

i wanted to have a pic done because i felt one was needed 2 months out.

MICHELLE

PIC OF STOMACH AT A RESTARAUNT TABLE

one of the ways i can gauge my weightloss sucess is by how many fingers i can manage to squeeze between me and a restaraunt table im used to frequenting.

this only works for booths that are stationary, non moving seats and table, everything is set in place. if any componant moves, the idea is false because the table can be moved, or the seats can be moved. which would then lead one to believe that either they have gained weight or lost weight.

STEAK & SHAKE has booths that are solid and done move. and ever time id be in there before (and since, just not as frequently) id gauge my sucess by taking a picture of how many fingers i could get between the tables edge and my stomach.

in THIS pic, i have 3 fingers there.
now, to some this may not seem like a huge victory.
but then you havnt lived MY life...
everytime wed be in there, were asked table or booth, and id opt for the table, because squeezing into a booth at my size has not been the best.
often id have stomach hanging over the table.

this pic shows a marked loss in weight if i can actually hold bewteen the edge of the table and my stomach...3 fingers...

GO ME!

MICHELLE

PIC OF TUMMY AT TABLE

one of the best ways for me to see how much weight im loosing is to comapre my tummy aginst a table ive sat at at some restaraunt,

this is me, again at steak and shake...

look! 2 fingers now! when before my tummy would be ON the table...
to be this is victory!